A small, elderly man, smartly dressed,
with an exceptionally lively, intelligent face
and an immediately perceptible air of sadness.
He was, like the rest of us, alone, but also, I must say,
he was the first that struck one as being deeply and truly lonely.
I want to talk about another taboo, besides all the other happy things I talked about here recently (see “The Taboo of Death“): loneliness. I feel lonely quite often.
I am nearly 30 now. Shouldn’t I have figured out this stuff? Yet, I also recently moved cities for a job, and am single. I feel like I have no real idea how to make friends. Is there maybe an app for that? It’s not that I don’t have friends but it gets more difficult to meet new people when you get older. Most of the people at my age are probably simply scrolling social media right now. Clubs are dead. And who’s got time for hobbies when also having to juggle career, friends and family?
I believe many of my age can relate. In this way, oddly, we’re not lonely at all. But it’s nothing that people talk about.
Being male might well be one of my biggest problems. We’re particularly at risk, since many of us tend to struggle with giving room to our emotions. Many of us then seek refuge in unhealthy ways: in excessive gym use, online gaming, or simply in the wrong relationships. Divorce rates have never been as high as in this day and age.
What may then be the greatest challenge of our time? Climate change, maybe? But then, human beings have an incredible ability to adapt. We will persevere — albeit becoming pretty miserable. What about weapons of mass destruction — looking at Russia, India and elsewhere? A serious risk but it’d go by before we’d realise. Maybe then, it is AI that we need to worry about? Surely, it’ll cost lots of jobs but we’re nowhere near it taking over humanity.
Instead, we seem to have created a society without much room for connection. We spend so much of our living moments filling out jobs that we don’t like, feeding families that we don’t have time for, chasing the next thing that is yet never quite enough. Nothing ever will be enough. That is the very thing that our economies are built upon. If we all realised that we do have enough in many ways, and would give more to others of what we have instead of consume, the world economy would collapse in the blink of an eye. At its core, it’s not much we need as human beings. But until we realise that we will continue to fill the void through whatever short-lived satisfaction comes our way.
The World Health Organization calls it an ‘epidemic of loneliness’ and a ‘global public health concern’. It is said to be as bad as being a chain smoker, significantly incrasing the risk of dementia and cardiovascular disease. It also is hard to quit, without much support from governments. This is despite the fact that it affects people of all ages, and particularly hits the young and the very old.
A society without connection creates a society without accountability. This is an important reason why the world around us is so rife with abuse. Back in the days, in close-knit tribal societies, there surely also were individuals that wanted to take advantage of others. Yet, when everyone knows everyone else, this increases the potential for people to speak up. This is especially true in societies that are non-hierarchical and where everyone could contribute.
One could wonder: why not then turn to communitarianism – as widely practiced in Asia? In fact, as it turns out, societies like those in Korea and China are the most toxic of all in some regard. This is at least seems to be reflected in the fact that they have some of the lowest birth rates. Adults in these societies fail to find a partner, over all the other pressures that these societies impose on the young. If people do find a partner, they commonly are held back by the financial expense of having a kid. In other words: would-be parents make the decision that it’s not a society to have kids in.
One of the important factors that explain the rise of populism around is that it’s taking the role that religion and membership organisations used to have. It offers people a community and purpose in a way that many other organisations have forgotten about. In this way, our innate need to escape loneliness is translated into political power. This is not to say that all people who vote for these parties are only driven by loneliness. There are many reasons to be unhappy with the status quo, and to challenge the political establishment. Yet, feeling forgotten about is a reason that is cited again and again by voters of challenger parties.
How to move beyond this? Western societies are built on the principle of human dignity but have created highly undignifying environments in many ways. Just look at the suburbs of a larger city. Are they made for humans, or are they made for cars? Do the people living there know any of their neighbours? Why do they not?
To change these things, we should go back to the drawing board of the environment around us, and find ways to make the places that we live in dignifying again. Oxford colleges are an example in point. They are built in a way that it’s impossible not to bump into other people when moving around. A similar thing is true for Spanish cities, which tend to feature large squares where people come together. Some call it the 15-minute city — although this term has become quite controversial.
Rethinking the environment around us, in the 21st century, also means to rethink our relationship with technology. Much of our day-to-day activities are mediated by technology. Much human labour has already been replaced by it, and AI will do even more so. Is this what we collectively want? How can we live with dignity in spite of technology?
I’d love to be on public transport again and not see everyone hiding behind their phone, partly out of not knowing how to entertain oneself and stand one’s own thoughts, partly out of not knowing how to even engage with strangers.
Why not, for a start, delete (or at least deactivate) some of your social media accounts, and maybe smile at some strangers next time you’re out and about? One psychologically cannot not smile back when being smiled at. So innate is the need for human connection. Give it a try. You’ll thank yourself, and other will, too.
Lastly, I today am smiling at my best friend of 7.5 years. I am in the same place that I was when he passed away, in sunny Monterey. You’ll always be dear to me, brother, and I’ll never be truly lonely in your memory. RIP, Connor Daniel Scott Kirkpatrick.